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tellshannon815Title: Now I'm Where I Want To Be, And Who I Want To Be
Fandom: Batwoman
Characters: Ryan.
Rating: PG
Warnings: Spoilers for all aired episodes.
Summary: With Kate confirmed dead, Ryan had finally felt secure in her role as Batwoman. But now she's confirmed alive, and it's only a matter of time before she reclaims the suit, and Ryan wonders where that will leave her.
When Ryan first took over as Batwoman, she always knew in the back of her mind that it was only temporary, that in the event of Kate Kane’s return she’d be handing over the bat suit back to her. But as time went on with still no leads, as she bonded with Mary over their mutual loathing of Alice, as even Luke warmed up to her, (hell, even as she realised Crowphie wasn’t so bad), it became harder and harder for Ryan to imagine a future where she stepped back, where she watched someone else wearing the suit that she had now come to think of as her own. What life would there be for Ryan in a world where she was no longer Batwoman – would she remain part of the team, just based in the Bat Cave without going out in the suit herself? Or would there no longer be a place for her there, leading her to go back to her aimless life, no future for her that she could see?
Even at the time of going to Coryana to follow that lead on Kate that turned out to be bogus, Ryan had thought about actually finding her there, and about bringing her back to reunite with Mary, with Luke, with Sophie. But she hadn’t thought, or at least hadn’t allowed herself to think very hard about the future once they’d actually found Kate and brought her home. Ryan had grown attached to the bat suit; she wasn’t ready to think about giving it up yet even as she made plans to bring Kate back. Then Safiyah had admitted that Kate had never been there, and Julia had told them that Kate was confirmed dead, and as Ryan tried to be there for Mary and Luke, she tried not to consciously think, yet always knew in the back of her mind, that now the role of Batwoman was hers, that Kate wasn’t going to come back to reclaim it.
But now Kate is back, albeit with the memories of Circe Sionis, and even those are starting to fade as the memories from her own past continue to break through, and Ryan hasn’t dared to talk about her future with the team, not wanting to hear Mary or Luke say what she had always known was coming but was still going to be hard for her to hear: Kate was back; Ryan was no longer needed to wear the suit.
She can’t blame them; she knew it was what they had wanted the whole time. But Ryan tries to envision a future, and part of her thinks it would be too hard to stay as part of the team, watching someone else wear the suit she had finally felt able to think of as hers. She knows Mary might still say there was always the bar job for her, but Ryan isn’t sure she wants that job to be her main focus in life, much as she still remembers the struggle to find employment when no one wanted to hire someone fresh out of Blackgate, now she knows there’s so much more out there.
She doesn’t have to make the decision quite yet; Kate’s not ready to take back the role, but Ryan knows it will happen, and choices lie ahead of her, yet having been Batwoman, she no longer knows how she can go back to any of them.
Fandom: Batwoman
Characters: Ryan.
Rating: PG
Warnings: Spoilers for all aired episodes.
Summary: With Kate confirmed dead, Ryan had finally felt secure in her role as Batwoman. But now she's confirmed alive, and it's only a matter of time before she reclaims the suit, and Ryan wonders where that will leave her.
When Ryan first took over as Batwoman, she always knew in the back of her mind that it was only temporary, that in the event of Kate Kane’s return she’d be handing over the bat suit back to her. But as time went on with still no leads, as she bonded with Mary over their mutual loathing of Alice, as even Luke warmed up to her, (hell, even as she realised Crowphie wasn’t so bad), it became harder and harder for Ryan to imagine a future where she stepped back, where she watched someone else wearing the suit that she had now come to think of as her own. What life would there be for Ryan in a world where she was no longer Batwoman – would she remain part of the team, just based in the Bat Cave without going out in the suit herself? Or would there no longer be a place for her there, leading her to go back to her aimless life, no future for her that she could see?
Even at the time of going to Coryana to follow that lead on Kate that turned out to be bogus, Ryan had thought about actually finding her there, and about bringing her back to reunite with Mary, with Luke, with Sophie. But she hadn’t thought, or at least hadn’t allowed herself to think very hard about the future once they’d actually found Kate and brought her home. Ryan had grown attached to the bat suit; she wasn’t ready to think about giving it up yet even as she made plans to bring Kate back. Then Safiyah had admitted that Kate had never been there, and Julia had told them that Kate was confirmed dead, and as Ryan tried to be there for Mary and Luke, she tried not to consciously think, yet always knew in the back of her mind, that now the role of Batwoman was hers, that Kate wasn’t going to come back to reclaim it.
But now Kate is back, albeit with the memories of Circe Sionis, and even those are starting to fade as the memories from her own past continue to break through, and Ryan hasn’t dared to talk about her future with the team, not wanting to hear Mary or Luke say what she had always known was coming but was still going to be hard for her to hear: Kate was back; Ryan was no longer needed to wear the suit.
She can’t blame them; she knew it was what they had wanted the whole time. But Ryan tries to envision a future, and part of her thinks it would be too hard to stay as part of the team, watching someone else wear the suit she had finally felt able to think of as hers. She knows Mary might still say there was always the bar job for her, but Ryan isn’t sure she wants that job to be her main focus in life, much as she still remembers the struggle to find employment when no one wanted to hire someone fresh out of Blackgate, now she knows there’s so much more out there.
She doesn’t have to make the decision quite yet; Kate’s not ready to take back the role, but Ryan knows it will happen, and choices lie ahead of her, yet having been Batwoman, she no longer knows how she can go back to any of them.