The Ramblings Of A Creature Of Hobbit

Following recent Partygate developments where Bojo the Clown has been fined, Larry the Cat, the real prime minister, will be addressing this on my behalf:

It is a well known fact that cats like nothing more than to give their human housemates presents that said human housemates would prefer not to receive. Often, such presents will be mice; Larry still remembers his first attempt to offer such a present to his first human housemate, David Cameron. He’d tried it more than once with his current housemate, Boris Johnson, and still wished he’d managed to see the look on Dominic Cummings’s face when he’d opened his cardboard box and found the leaving present Larry had left him.

But Larry had better presents to give than mice. Since Boris Johnson and Rishi Sunak received their first fines during the police investigation into the Partygate scandal, they’ve tried to destroy the evidence by hiding their paper penalty notices in Larry and Gladstone’s litter trays. So Larry decided, and hoped Gladstone had the same idea, to quietly remove Boris’s when he wasn’t looking, wait until some journalist turned up to interview Boris, and drop the notice right at their feet. There were some things Boris couldn’t hide from.

Title: I'm Nobody's Pet
Character: Larry The Cat, UK's Chief Mouser of Downing Street
Word Count: 100
Prompt: pet
Rating: PG


Larry remembers the Camerons leaving Downing Street, how David had suggested he joined them only to be told that Larry came with the house. Theresa May’s moods over her Brexit deals had followed, then had come Boris Johnson and his house refurbishment, silly slogans, and most recently lockdown party scandals. Larry wouldn’t have wanted to go with any of them.

There’s rumours about whether Johnson will be forced to resign; if that happens, Larry wonders who his next housemate will be. But one thing’s for sure, whoever it is will have to understand Larry’s the real leader; he’s nobody’s pet.

So this latest UK government scandal over Bojo the Clown's flat refurbishment has given me the opportunity to revisit Larry Does Lockdown: Tales of the Downing Street Cats!


Larry had been too busy scrapping with Palmerston to take a lot of notice when Boris and Carrie first started the flat renovations, so he wasn’t sure who actually had paid for it. But one thing he did know, whoever it was that paid, they’d been done, because the flat was an eyesore and he actually preferred the “John Lewis furniture nightmare” of Theresa May and the more understated décor of the Camerons.

Foolish humans, Larry thought as he eyed his handiwork where he had shredded the wallpaper, clawed the upholstery, crapped on the carpet and knocked some of the more expensive ornaments to the floor. All that money they’d pissed away on so called refurbishments, and Larry had just done a much better job for free.

Yes, in trying to get my word count up for 2021, I had to finish this extract from Tales of the Downing Street Cats.






Larry’s sympathetic, of course, to all of those whose Christmas plans were derailed by his housemate. But at the same time, he can’t help but feel a bit sorry for himself, since Boris isn’t going anywhere this year and now he’s stuck with him (much to the amusement of Palmerston and Gladstone).

As he looks longingly at the boxes of toys for baby Wilfred who’s still too young to have much of a concept of Christmas anyway, and thinks of all the fun he’s going to have with the empty boxes once everything’s opened, Larry smiles as he imagines Boris’s reaction to the present of a dead mouse that he had left for him in place of the turkey that he had misappropriated with the intention of sharing with the other Downing Street felines.

Hey, at least it was a fresh dead mouse, unlike the one he’d left in Dominic Cummings’s box as a leaving present. No one could accuse Larry of not showing generosity at Christmas.

Because his departure meant I just had to revisit the tales of the Downing Street cats.

Title: Dominic Cummings's Leaving Present
Fandom: Real Cat Fiction
Characters: Larry the Cat
Rating: G
Warnings: Contains Dominic Cummings :D
Summary: Larry the Cat takes charge of Cummings's leaving present.

Officially the departure of Dominic Cummings was regarded as very sudden among many in Downing Street; Larry the Cat knew he wasn’t alone in feeling that actually, it was long overdue and he should have been out the door when the “lockdown trip to Durham” scandal broke.

Someone had asked whether anything was going to be done about a leaving present, to which the only response so far had been “Are you taking the piss?”

Not to worry, Larry thought, thinking of the dead mouse he had hidden in the cardboard box before Cummings took all his stuff away. He’d taken care of that.

Title: Meow-Nifesto
Fandom: Real Cat Fiction
Characters: Larry the Cat, Palmerston the Cat, Gladstone the Cat
Rating: G
Warnings: Current events, but a way to make them bearable by having cats run the UK
Summary: As Boris Johnson's approval ratings slump, the Downing Street cats plan to take over.

( Read more... )

Title: Feline Coworkers
Fandom: Real Cat Fiction
Characters: Gladstone the Treasury Cat
Rating: G
Summary: Gladstone is the real reason Rishi Sunak voted against the government.


Philip Hammond hadn’t been the easiest of chancellors for Gladstone to live with; the Daily Fail were very rarely right about anything, but Gladstone couldn’t argue with the time they called him Eeyore.

Rishi Sunak, who had only been Chancellor for a few weeks, was still an unknown quantity in the sense of humour stakes, but Gladstone thought he knew a way to test him out. As Sunak prepared to cast his vote for some boring agricultural bill, Gladstone tiptoed over, walked onto his keyboard and pressed the key with his paw before he could get to it.

It was an occupational hazard of working from home with feline coworkers, everyone knew that. With any luck, Sunak would be able to maintain his sense of humour once he realised that Gladstone had just voted against the government.

Yes, I have gone back to Real Cat Fiction, telling the tales of our government through the eyes of the Downing Street cats.

Title: Staying Alert
Fandom: Real Cat Fiction
Characters: Larry the Cat
Rating: G
Summary: When Boris Johnson tells the nation to stay alert, Larry catches him not practicing what he preaches.

A lot of people had said that Boris Johnson had been napping on the job at the beginning of the pandemic, even though, as a cat, that was meant to be Larry’s department. Watching him now snoozing on the couch in Downing Street (even if he had to admit that the 1979 FA Cup Final wasn’t exactly riveting viewing), Larry could see their point.

He tiptoed towards the couch, waited until he heard a particularly loud snore then launched himself right at Boris’s head.

Don’t know why he’s getting so mad, Larry thought as he was ordered out of the room. He’s the one who just showed he can’t even follow his own advice to the country to stay alert.

Palmerston enjoyed the peace.

There was a time when he hardly dared to walk along Downing Street, knowing that Larry thought of it as his own territory, having lived there for so many years before Palmerston and Gladstone arrived. He still remembered that particularly bad fight which had resulted in damage to his ear, although he had given as good as he got in successfully removing Larry’s collar.

Still, Palmerston figured he could find it in his heart to feel a little more generous towards Larry right now. At least Palmerston wasn’t the one stuck in quarantine with Boris Johnson.